Here Without You
by WriteAtNight
Summary: Drake is trying to cope a year after the sudden death of his whole world, Josh. not the best at summaries and I apologize for that. . SLASH! Will be multi chapter.
1. Chapter 1

Disclaimer: Don't own them, darnit.

A/N: I hate writing sadness for these guys because I love them so much, but I couldn't shake a couple of ideas I had, and this is one of them. I also do not want long pauses between my chapters (there will prob just be 2 more) so I will post very soon. The only reason they're not all posted now is because I am still writing some. And let me add that I have cried while writing this, especially while listening to Here Without You last night thinking of the words to write. It tugged at the heart. As emotional and sad as it is I do hope you enjoy(for lack of better term). Please review if you want. I would love to hear from you if you'd like. This chapter was the happy chapter. (Although I will try to add some happiness and fluff, if only in flashbacks, in all chapters to break the sadness). Keep in mind this is the first chapter and I stopped here b/c it was the best stopping point, the next chapter is way more in depth so I do hope you give it a chance. I am a recent SLASH convert. Flashbacks in italics.

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"Drake get out of bed!" Shouted Megan.

"No!" he shouted back "Not today. I don't want to get up"

She sat on the bed beside him and touched his shoulder. "I know you don't but you have to," she softly told her brother.

He pulled the covers down from his face to look at her. His eyes were red and had dark circles under them. She knew he had barely slept and when he did he must have cried himself to sleep.

"I don't want to wake up anymore Megan," he told her with tearful eyes "I was hoping I wouldn't wake up today. I prayed that I wouldn't. Why? Just why? If I'm going to keep waking up and living then why can't I wake up a year ago?" he screamed.

Tears came out of her eyes and she knew he was hurting. She dreaded this day. She was unsure how it would be but she imagined it pretty much the way it was going. She knew he would want to cry, they all would want to cry and ask why a life was taken so soon and so young, but she also knew he was going to yell and be mad. So she would let him yell she decided. Nobody could change that today.

"Drunk drivers. Stupid drunk drugged up driver. I hate him. I hate him!" He cried. She let him get it out of his system knowing that if it wasn't a drunk driver that killed Josh that Drake would be doing the same thing. The only thing stopping him was the fact that he refused to put himself in the same caliber as the man that stole his world.

Over the past year he and Megan got very close. She was the one person he could really talk to without feeling judged or weirded out around. She was very intelligent and mature. She had been his rock. The only person helping him go on.

Audrey and Walter had tried to be supportive, they really did. He knew it was difficult for them to understand and it shocked them to find out and the way they found out isn't the way Drake or Josh had wanted them to. No, that was supposed to come from the both of them. In the end though Drake was the one and only because he couldn't help it. On that fateful awful night that would haunt him forever or at least until he could die too.

"_Okay, this is it right? Josh said smiling while relaxing leaned up against Drake on their couch," _

"_Yes, definitely I don't want to hide it from them anymore do you?" He asked and wrapped his arms around Josh. _

"_No. I've hated hiding it even the last few months" Josh said. _

_That is when it started officially, the last few months. Josh was kind of actually surprised that Walter and Audrey didn't suspect anything when he decided to wait until next semester or next year even to go to college. They didn't though. He guessed Drake rubbed off on him because when he told them it was because he was always so focused and serious about school he would like to just take some time off and relax and prepare for the college life, they actually bought it. _

_The real reason is because he had loved Drake for so long that when Drake finally admitted to loving him back he didn't want to leave. _

Drake still remembered how it all started.

"_Drake I have to tell you something," Josh said the night of graduation after they got home. _

_The hair on the back of Drake's neck stood up. It wasn't what Josh said, it was the way he said it. "Okay" Drake told him. _

_Josh walked over to his bed because he wanted to pretty much hide when he said this and that was his personal space so that is where he went. _

"_Well?" Drake said. _

_Josh looked at him. "Turn the light off" he said. _

"_That is what you have to tell me. Turn the light off, okay" Drake said. _

"_No but I can't look.. just please do it," Josh pleaded. _

_Drake went to turn the light off. _

"_Oh," Josh said "make sure the door is locked too. _

_Drake sighed but did as his stepbrother asked. He locked the door (both locks) and shut the light off. _

"_Okay it's off it's locked now tell me," Drake ordered. _

"_Turn on some kind of music," Josh said. _

"_Okay Josh what the hel" Drake started to say before he was interrupted. _

"_Drake just please, anything it doesn't matter. I just can't stand silence right now," Josh told him. _

"_You could have asked me to do this before I turned the light off," Drake said and then wondered when he was the one doing stuff that Josh asked him to do. Like his personal servant or something. It didn't' matter though he was kind of having fun with what almost seemed like a verbal scavenger hunt. He made his way over to the stereo and pushed play on the cd player. He smiled. He wondered if Josh felt like this when He did something for HIM. _

"_Okay now your majesty, anything else," Drake said acting irritated but he really wasn't. Just really curious. _

"_Well maybe.." Josh tried to say. _

"_JOSH! Just what is i…" Drake said when Josh cut him off. _

"_I love you!" Josh said. _

_  
Drake stopped breathing and he was sure his heart stopped for a moment. Did Josh just say he "loved" him. Well of course, right. He loves him. _

"_Josh, I know that and I …" Drake said before Josh interrupted. _

"_No Drake I LOVE you. I'm sorry to tell you now and like this but I have to before this summer comes and goes. I can't NOT tell you anymore. It is killing me not telling you. I love you." He said again. _

_Drake was stunned. His stomach had butterflies and he was sure that wasn't really how he was supposed to act but he knew why he did. He was in love with Josh too. For a long time now. He almost went too far in telling him once but stopped. What would people have said if he would have confessed everything. What if Josh would have laughed at him or worse, hated him after that. Drake was silent. _

_Josh continued "I know you are shocked and don't feel that way about me and I can live with that but I couldn't leave or live without telling you; I felt you had the right to know. How you process this is up to you. I hope it doesn't change us hanging out because I am leaving in a couple of months and …" _

_He felt Drake's hands on his shoulders pushing him on his back on the bed. Josh wasn't sure at first if he was going to kill him or what and became breathless at the touch of Drakes hands on him. Josh was unable to move or breathe full of fear and excitement at the same time.. Drake straddled him and moved his hands down to Josh's hands and intertwined his fingers with his. He brought Josh's arms up and pinned them over his head. He looked into Josh's eyes "I love you too Josh. I love you too," he said and then touched his lips to Josh's. _

_When their kiss deepened, their fingers tightened around each other's and moans escaped both of them. The kiss was broken for a moment and Drake could hear Josh said "Oh my God" almost breathlessly. _

_The way he said it sent a tingle of emotion through Drake's body. "Josh" is all he could get out and kissed him again. He finally released the grip on Josh's hands and put his hands back on Josh's shoulders. Josh moved his hands to Drake's hair and wrapped his left hand in it. Drake inhaled when he did that but when Josh gently pulled his hair Drake moaned and couldn't help but say "oh my God". Neither Drake nor Josh knew until that moment that pulling hair would be Drake's biggest turn on. _

_The kisses turned more passionate than they already were. Their hands started exploring each other's bodies. Neither one of them could believe they were in that moment and doing what they were doing and neither one of them wanted it to stop. Neither one of them were going to let it stop either. _

_This was different for Drake more so than for the obvious reasons. He was doing something with someone he really loved and had loved for a long time. He had sex before, several times, with several girls, but tonight was the first night that he ever made love to and with someone. _

_Josh only had one prior experience and that was with Mindy. He liked that experience, a lot but it was different. Not because she was a girl and he wanted to be with guys, that wasn't it. It was because she wasn't Drake. Nobody but Drake could ever be Drake. _

_That night was the best night of their lives and it was one they wanted to live everyday and especially every night and they could, at least for now._

_----------------------------- _


	2. Chapter 2

Disclaimer: Still don't own them :( It's a shame.

A/N: This goes in depth a little more. There is at least one more chapter left. I tried to fix all mistakes and am sorry if I missed any. A little fluff w/ the sadness.

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_They had some time to get used to each other the next few weeks in the new way they were getting to know each other. They were surprised their parent's never questioned anything but they didn't. They just figured it was the last of their bonding before Josh left for college. _

_On the fourth of July they saw fireworks. They felt fireworks, but they also felt pain. Their time was almost up and they knew in a few short weeks Josh would be gone. _

_Josh who was always so level headed when it came to education did the most amazing thing. Drake knew it was for him and never thought anyone could love him so much to make such a huge sacrifice for him. _

_That is when Josh sat their parents down and explained about putting college off for a semester or even year. They bought it hook, line, and sinker. Drake felt proud that Josh could lie to them like that and also that he had been able to keep a secret from everyone for so long. He knew though that Josh couldn't hold out forever and even Drake himself didn't want to hide. He loved Josh and Josh loved him and Drake wanted everyone to know, but all in good timing he guessed. Josh fooled the parents and that bought some time. _

_The person that didn't buy it was Megan. She knew. She knew because earlier before Josh talked to Audrey and Walter while Drake was alone in their room she went in there to torture him but when she flung the door open Drake looked at her from his bed. Crying? He had been crying? He was crying, and holding what? Josh's pillow… yes that one. He looked like a deer in headlights. _

_She couldn't torture him like this; he was already doing a good job of that himself. Instead she did the first (of many to come) nice sisterly things. She shut the door and locked it behind her. _

"_I know you don't want him to go," she said. "but he has to Drake. He has to do this. It is what he has wanted for so long". _

"_He also said I was what he wanted for so long so why leave when he finally has me" he slipped out then looked away. _

_Megan realized that something had been a little strange about them since graduation and now she fit the pieces together. She felt a loss for words. She loved both Drake and Josh even if she showed it by pranking them. She knew their bond was different than any other she had ever seen. She knew Drake from her birth and knew he never acted with Josh the way he ever did with anyone else. She knew the way Josh would always do whatever Drake talked him into doing and most of the time it didn't take much convincing. But here Megan Parker was the absolute mastermind over best pranks ever now standing speechless while her brother cried over their stepbrother leaving, only it was HER stepbrother, it was Drake's destiny, his soul mate. "I'm sorry Drake. I'm sorry," is all she said to him before leaving the room. _

_Drake didn't even know Josh was going to take a break from school or anything. He just accidentally found out. He was in the kitchen getting a drink when he heard Josh tell them. _

"_Okay Josh we totally understand" Audrey said. _

_Drake walked in the living room then. _

"_What's going on?" he asked. _

"_Josh is putting off going to school for a little while so he doesn't get burned out," Walter told him. _

_Drake wanted to smile. He wanted to do more than smile. He wanted to run to the couch and jump on Josh's lap. He wanted to drag him up to their bedroom and thank him in as many ways as he could, but he didn't. Instead he looked at all of them and said, "oh, cool". _

_Josh looked at him and smiled. Josh was smiling anyway so it didn't give anything away. When he looked at Drake with that smile he knew, knew that it was for him that Josh is staying, knew for the first time he really belonged to someone's heart, knew that he was one of the lucky ones that got to have that one true love. _

_He slightly squinted his eyes enough that nobody but Josh noticed and Josh noticed the change of color in Drake's eyes. Drake at a normal pace made his way to their room and took a huge sigh of relief. His Josh wasn't leaving him yet. He stood in the room with his eyes closed until Josh came through the door locking it behind him. _

_Josh walked over to him and took his hands. They looked at each other for a moment and Josh released one of his hands and brought it up to Drake's face brushing the side of it lightly. He put his finger under Drake's chin and bent down and kissed him. _

_As many times as they had kissed Josh had never felt like this. Drake was kissing him with a power he didn't know he possessed. It was every emotion and every word that Drake wanted to say but could only be translated with his tongue in the other boy's mouth, and Josh understood every word. Drake had wanted to thank him earlier and now he was getting his chance. _

_Lying side by side in Josh's bed later that night Drake audibly thanked Josh. _

"_Thank you Josh," he said curling up to him more. _

"_For what?" Josh asked. I mean the kissing, the sex, the…. his thought was interrupted. _

"_For not leaving me," Drake told him. _

_Josh tightened his grip on Drake like he wanted to make sure he felt safe. _

"_Drake I can't leave you," Josh told him. "I mean it took me so long to actually get you, you think I can actually let you go". _

"_I thought I was going to have to let you go," Drake said sadly. _

_Josh kissed his head "you don't have to let me go". _

_Drake put his hand on Josh's arm to make Josh hold him tighter. _

"_I love you Josh. I mean really really love you. I never thought I could or would actually love someone but I do. I love you," Drake told him. _

"_I never thought you could or would actually love ME," Josh said. _

"_Josh, how could anybody not love you. You're perfect in so many ways," Drake told him. _

"_You're blind" Josh said and chuckled "but you're amazing and I thank you for that". "And Drake, I love you too, more than life itself and have for a very long time," Josh said. _

_Josh kissed Drake's head again and Drake kissed Josh's arm that was around him making him feel like nothing could ever touch him except Josh and the rest of the world would go away._

_--------------- _

Why couldn't it be that way now? Why couldn't it have been that way forever? Because this world sucks, this life sucks, Drake thought now. Things were perfect. They were perfect, until that night, that night his soul was ripped out of his body and never returned.

He tried to be strong really he did but his strength died with Josh. Josh was his strength. He was his world and he couldn't stress that enough but still sometimes felt like he couldn't get it through to anyone else.

Drake was now at least sitting on the bed and Megan was holding him. One hand was brushing his shoulder and arm and the other was behind and around his back as if the bed was an ocean and she was trying to hold him up to prevent him from drowning if he fell back because she knew that is exactly what would happen. Drake was an amazing swimmer but was tired of swimming; he just wanted it to be over.

Drake blamed himself. Karma he told himself. For dating so many girls and not really caring about them. For not holding onto hearts as delicately as he should have. He was wrong. He wanted to take it back. Take it all back. Go back to all of the girls and tell them all he was sorry. Go back and change it. Not hurt them. If he could do that, if he could ONLY do that then maybe just maybe Josh could come back to him. If he could redeem the wrongs he had done to girls who loved him then he could have his only love, his world, his Josh back and to be back in Josh's arms. Then he wouldn't want to drown. If only he could see him coming back to him, then he'd swim. He would swim the entire ocean to meet him if only he would come back to him, but he won't come back, he can't come back. Again, Drake blamed himself.

Megan knew what he was doing. She knew he blamed himself. She heard him in the bedroom one night begging forgiveness and asking for Josh to come back. He was begging and crying loudly and didn't care who heard as long as someone would listen.

But nobody listened, even if they heard they didn't listen. Nobody brought Josh back.

"Shhhhh," Megan said motherly when Drake started trembling. She knew what he was thinking. "It's not your fault Drake. It's not your fault". She started rocking herself and Drake back and forth sideways to try to comfort him. She knew it was going to be a hard day, but maybe she had underestimated just _how_ hard, and underestimating was something Megan never did, until possibly now.


	3. Chapter 3

Here Without You Part 3

Disclaimer: Don't own them. Don't sue please.

A/N: I thought this would be the last chapter but there will be at least one more. There is just too much. This is kind of emotional but the next one is really the sad stuff. I will not make the wait too long.

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Drake looked at Megan. He thanked her for being there for him. She smiled.

"Lay back down but only for a few more minutes. You know they want to go," She said.

He nodded as to say thank you. He knew they wanted him to go too so they could go as a family but he didn't want to, not out of disregard to Josh but because he was scared. Scared to go there with them. He tried not to break down in front of them and most of the time was successful but they saw or heard him sometimes. They would offer their comfort. He knew they hurt too but somehow he couldn't imagine they felt like he did. How could they? Yes Josh was Walter's son and his mom's stepson but he wasn't just a stepbrother to Drake. No, to Drake he was life; he was his breath, now taken. No, they couldn't feel like that.

Drake cursed the day barely audible through the pillow he sobbed on. He cursed his life. He cursed his tears. He held his face tight in the pillow and grasped the sides of it tightly and screamed as loud as he could. He just wanted to get it out.

"Drake," Audrey said running in. "Come on sweetie please come on" she said trying to be strong yet sympathetic. When Drake lifted his face from the pillow and looked at her it broke her. She had never seen her son as such an empty shell. Her once bright full of life musician son was nothing but a hollow shell.

He looked at her with pleading eyes. "Mom" he managed to say with his voice breaking. "Help me" is what he was screaming inside. This was his mother. Mother's are supposed to make things better. Why wasn't she making it better? Why wasn't she doing anything?

Audrey made her way over to Drake and took his hands in hers. As strong as she was being a tear made it's way out of her eye when she saw them leave his. She felt helpless. This was her baby, she thought to herself. She felt that there should be a way to help the boy she brought into this world. She couldn't. "I wish I could help you Drake I do," she told him.

"I do too," is all he said.

"Honey we do need to go soon. I can't force you to go with us but I am asking you to. " she said.

He just looked at her.

Her last attempt at trying to help came in the form of what she called tough love and came as a shock to him. She walked to the door but before walking out she said "You are grieving we know that. You lost someone who you love I know that. You want things different, but think about Josh. What would he want? You think he would want you to be like this?" then she walked out.

Who was she anyway? Drake thought. That traitor, that traitor who has no idea what Josh would want. She didn't spend hours upon hours the past few years and especially the past few months finding out what he wanted. Who did she think she was. And think about him. She seriously said think about him. Who did she think he was thinking of. He was always thinking about Josh.

His pain turned to anger and in his mind was shooting daggers. His anger gave him determination to get out of bed and get this over with. Get them over with so he could be back to himself and this bed. This beautiful bed that Josh used to lay in. The bed that they first happened in. He loved Josh's bed. It was where he wanted to be and it was where Josh always wanted him to be so who was she to say that to him?

Angry he took clothes into the bathroom and took a shower and got ready while cursing them. All of them. Them being anyone who stood in his way today.

As he was walking in the living room he heard Megan arguing with mom in the kitchen.

"Why would you say something so cruel? Don't you see how much he is hurting? This is the one day that he should get to feel any way he wants," she said .

"Honey I know you don't understand but I had to say it," Audrey told her.

"No you didn't. Not today. Not any day or at least the way you said it," Megan said.

"You don't understand," Audrey was saying but got cut off by Megan again.

"No, YOU don't understand. You don't hear him cry in his sleep and go in there and wipe his tears away. You don't hear him ask to die. You don't hear him beg to turn back time so he could be the one to die instead of Josh. No YOU don't understand. I am the one who understands perfectly. You didn't see the way they looked at each other. You were too blind. I did though. You didn't see how they lived every waking, sleeping, breathing moment solely for the other one did you? NO that was me too. You know why. They were afraid to tell you. Afraid to hurt you and afraid that people would screw up their perfect world until they decided they couldn't wait anymore. They wanted to finally share it with you. Do you even see what he lost? DO YOU? Not just someone he loved, he lost the person he was in love WITH! His entire heart and soul!" she yelled tears filling her eyes.

Audrey started crying. Walter sat at the table in silence taking in more information about the hell Drake has went through this past year and the way they felt. Sometimes pulled at his heart when she was talking. Something made more sense to him today than any other.

"How much have you asked about their relationship? Do you even know when they fell in love? Do you know the reason Josh stayed was because he couldn't leave Drake? He couldn't be away from him not even for something as important as school because Drake was more important. Drake was Josh's everything just as much as Josh is Drake's. Do you know the guilt that eats away at Drake every freaking day? Thinking it is his fault because he dated too much or thinking it is his fault because Josh was here to be killed instead of being safe at college. Do you hear him say that he would give Josh up if he could just be at college or anywhere else if it meant he could be alive and be happy. My God for the first time in Drake's life he actually put someone else first. He actually felt like someone else was more important than him. And you never even saw. You never got to see them make each other happy. You never got to see them sneak a very quick kiss to prevent getting caught and laughing when they didn't. And you know what else you didn't see. You didn't see the razor blade Drake held in his hands and up to his wrists after it happened. No you didn't see that, but you know what? I did. You have no right to tell him to think about Josh. Josh is all he thinks about and spent a large amount of time figuring out what Josh wanted. So do NOT say those things to my brother about my brother."

She was sure her mother would slap her or tell her to shut up but she didn't. She listened and cried. Walter listened and cried.

"Mom, I lost my brother, you lost your stepson, Walter" she looked over at Walter "you lost your son. We all grieve and we will forever miss Josh, but Drake lost everything. His lover, his best friend, his partner in everything, the only one he was willing to give in for. He lost it all. He deserves to grieve," Megan finished crying very hard.

Drake stayed in the living room while Megan was talking, he couldn't walk in on that. He was amazed at how much his sister really knew about them. He guessed she watched them more than they thought. It made him feel good that someone else knew of the love they shard. He also felt like a weight being lifted off of his shoulders. Maybe they would start to understand now. He walked in now that she was finished.

They all stared at him. Megan walked over to him and hugged him with a sigh of relief that he was up, bathed, and dressed. She held his hand. She wasn't going to let anyone touch her brother today. They would go through her first. Nobody could hurt him today. Nobody could hurt him anyway worse than he already was hurting.

"Megan, I didn't know you watched us that closely," he said.

"Drake besides the fact that I loved pranking you guys, when I talked to you in the bedroom I knew, and all the pieces fit together. And I watched from afar. You were my boobs and I love you guys and you were happy. I wanted that for you two.

Drake dreaded to do this but he wanted to get it over "let's go if we're going" he said.

Walter and Audrey nodded.

When they arrived at the cemetery they all knew it was going to be bad all over again and Megan pleaded with her parents to just let it happen.


	4. Chapter 4

Here Without you Part 4

Disclaimer: If I owned them we would've had another I need you more moment, followed by a that's not possible, sealed with a kiss.

A/N: Here's the sad. I listened to Jeff Buckley's Hallelujah and 3 Doors Down song Here W/o You while I wrote this and I have to say I cried. If you like to listen to music while you read I totally recommend those songs. Also there is yet another chapter following, at the rate I'm going who knows maybe another, but it is coming to a close.

--

As they made their way to the beautiful stone marking the resting place of Josh, scenes from that fateful night started flooding Drake's mind. He didn't even know he was walking now. It was all coming back to him. He was lost in memory.

"_Alright, as soon as I get home we will tell them," Josh said. He had the phone on speaker on his lap so he wouldn't have to hold it. _

"_Yes," Drake almost giggled "we'll tell them. "They are home now". _

_They were so happy that they could finally tell their parents about their wonderful news. They weren't sure how they would take it but it didn't matter. They had to get it out. They couldn't live with that secret anymore. They were too close now. In too deep now and they wanted people to know, as if people didn't already know or at least suspect it, but even so their parents didn't. They would find out soon. _

"_I love you so much do you know that really" Josh told him "I can't believe this is happening. It is one thing that you actually wanted me and even more that you loved me but now that you want to tell people. That is amazing. You are amazing. It is like going to be completely official tonight, you know that right? You won't be able to get rid of me. You'll have me forever" Josh said. _

"_Josh, I am not a complete idiot. I got __**you**__ didn't I, and of course I know that and I don't want to get rid of you. I want you forever, and I want you to want me forever. I can't wait till you get here. I can't wait till we tell them and then I can't wait till we come upstairs and…" Drake was cut off _

"_Oh my GOD!!!!!! DRAAAAAAAKE," Josh screamed. _

_Drake's heart fell to his stomach. He heard a crash and several loud noises after that and then nothing. He froze for just a moment before he went into shock and freaked out. _

"_JOOOOOOOOOOOOSH" he screamed into the phone "JOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOSHHHHH! PLEASE!"_

"_HELP! SOMEBODY HELP!" he was screaming. He ran downstairs screaming "HELP!" and holding the phone. "Somebody please help! Help him. Josh Please JOSH! JOSH!" _

"_What is it Drake?" Walter asked. _

"_Josh. Help. Please, Oh God No. Please Please don't go Please don't!' He was crying and shaking. "Help him. Crash!" He couldn't form sentences. He didn't know what to say. _

_Audrey called 911. Megan ran downstairs and heard Drake frantically screaming. They all started crying and piled in the car and rushed to the hospital. Drake in a state of shock started rocking back and forth holding the phone in a blank stare refusing to close it as if he already knew. As if that was his last lifeline to Josh. He couldn't blink. He couldn't do anything but stare and rock. His head knew already, his heart wasn't able to accept it. It wouldn't be able to until he saw for himself. _

_They got out of the car and walked into the hospital in what Drake was felt as slow motion. Megan grabbed his hand. She had to. Nobody else knew but her. This wasn't supposed to be happening. They were supposed to be telling their parents they were in love and wanted to be together for the rest of their lives and felt that they had already been together for a lifetime. That is what was supposed to be happening. Not this. Not walking into a cold hospital. _

_A Dr. came out to the waiting room a while after they were there. The Dr. said "I'm sorry" that is all Drake needed to hear. The tears started falling, and falling, and falling. He started trembling. Megan gripped him tighter with tears in her eyes. Megan leaned into his shoulder. _

_The Dr. led them to a room. "We did everything we could" they said, but did they? Did they really do everything they could to keep his world alive? _

_Walter walked over to Josh's lifeless body and held his hand. He wept. Drake had never seen Walter cry before but knew how much he loved his son and knew how much Josh adored his dad. Audrey walked over to Walter and held him and touched Josh's hand too. _

_Drake couldn't stand it. He went to the other side. The tears fell harder as he saw his Josh. His perfect beautiful Josh now blemished with cuts. Who did this to him? He had to pay. Drake felt so much anger and so much loss. He ran to Josh's side and grabbed his hand and sat in the chair that was touching the bed and lost all sense of anything or anybody around except him and Josh. _

"_I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm so sorry. Please don't be gone. Please don't leave me here".  
_"_Oh God don't leave me here alone." He closed his eyes and put his head on Josh's bed. " Baby, Baby, Baby, I love you," He sobbed. He kissed Josh's hand leaving it wet with tears. He couldn't let go. He stroked Josh's face. "My beautiful perfect boy" He put his head on Josh's chest. The one that was usually warm and inviting. The one that kept the bad away was now colder, empty. Drake couldn't bear to leave it though. This was the last time he would feel it. He never let go of Josh's hand. "I love you Josh. I love you. I'll always love you. Forever. I'll never stop. Oh God Josh I am so sorry. Please forgive me. Forgive me for not protecting you. Forgive me for not being there to save you. You always save me and I wasn't there when you needed me. I'm sorry." He stopped talking but never stopped crying. _

_He didn't care who was in the room. He didn't care who heard. It was the truth. It was up to him to tell people that they loved each other and now more than ever he wanted people to know that he was in love with Josh Nichols. _

_After a few more minutes the audible sobbing stopped but silent tears still fell. All of the pleading, all of the begging didn't bring Josh back. Josh always did what Drake asked, but now he wasn't. He must really be gone. _

_Drake looked over at Megan who was beside him with tears falling effortlessly from her eyes. "He's gone Meg's. He's gone this time. He left for real now." _

_Megan hugged him. "I know" is all she could say. She kissed him on top of his head. _

"_What do I do this time?" he asked her hoping he could help. _

"_Just love him Drake. Just keep loving him," is all she could tell him. _

_For the first time since they got there he looked at Walter and Audrey. They heard every thing he said and watched every action. He didn't say a word to them though, just looked at them. He didn't know what they were thinking and he was sorry they had to find out like this but he was not going to pass up telling Josh goodbye to spare anyone's feelings. _

_Josh was too important for that. He deserved it. Josh deserved the world. He deserved to be alive but it was stolen from him tonight. _

_Nobody said a word but Audrey and Walter stood up and gathered their things and the envelope of things that the hospital collected from Josh. Megan stood by her brother._

_Drake looked at them, Megan, and then at Josh. He stroked his face one last time and leaned down and kissed his lips for the last time. He whispered in his ear "I will miss you. I hope to see you soon. I love you… forever," He touched his forehead to his and closed his eyes for a second, then he stood up. Megan grasped his arm and they walked out. _

_The ride home was silent. Nobody said a word. They were grieving and Audrey and Walter were really unsure what to say to Drake. They were shocked to hear the words Drake said so freely to Josh as if they were said all of the time. They didn't want to ask him right now. They were all still in shock. _

_Megan helped Drake in the house and he froze. He couldn't move. He couldn't breathe but he felt himself breathing too much. He panicked. He didn't know what to do. He started hyperventilating. He was freaking out. _

"_Breathe Drake, come one. Slowly, like this" Megan breathed trying to get Drake to breathe with her. He looked at her and mimicked her. Soon his breathing slowed. _

_Walter and Audrey opened the envelope and found Josh's watch and a box from the jeweler. She opened the box and found two white gold men's wedding bands. She looked up at Drake. Drake looked at her, then Walter. _

"_Come on, sit down" Megan told him. She was younger but right now she used the maturity she always had to be the older sibling. Drake needed that and Josh needed her to do that for him. She knew that. Inside the rings were inscribed "yours forever". _

_Drake didn't know about the rings. Drake knew they were going to tell them about their relationship but this must have been what Josh was talking about when he said he would have him forever. _

_He opened his mouth to speak but nothing came out. He stared away. Megan brought him a bottle of water. He took a drink and tried speaking again. "We, uh," he sighed. Trying to fight tears and find his cracking voice. "We were going to tell you tonight. We were even talking about it when uh… uh… __**when**__," he said "sorry we couldn't, um," he cleared his throat and took another drink "tell you together". He wiped tears from his eyes. _

_Walter and Audrey nodded, neither knowing what to say. Audrey got up and handed Drake the box "I guess these are yours" she said. _

"_Thank you" he smiled as he held the box wondering how Josh would have told him about the rings. He held them close to his heart and again the tears fell. _

"_Come on, let's get you upstairs" Megan told him. He looked at her and shook his head. _

"_No. I can't go. I can't go up there. He's not there. I can't go without him Meg's" _

_Megan started crying again too as did Walter and Audrey. They weren't sure about a lot of their sons' life together but they could tell that their family may have been turned upside down tonight but Drake's came crashing down all around him. _

"_Okay. Okay," Megan told him. "Come to my room. You can stay for awhile or sleep in the sleeping bag or something, come on". He nodded. He went to Megan's room and Audrey knocked on the door. "Drake" she entered. "Here's something comfortable for you to sleep in" she handed him pajamas. He smiled. She walked out. He didn't go change, he just sat there trying to figure out what happened tonight. "Just sit here" Megan said. _

_She went downstairs where their parents were, knowing they had started calling family. _

"_I will take care of his friends" she told them. _

"_Thank you Megan you're a wonderful sister," Walter told her. She walked over there and hugged him to show her support for him as well, not just for her brothers. "I'm sorry Dad," she said. He kissed the top of her head, which was strange for both parties, but this was no ordinary night. It is the night they all changed. _

_Megan went back to her room to find it empty. She heard Drake in the bathroom. The night had caught up with him finally. He felt like throwing up all night but now he actually was. _

_She waited for him to come out and after hearing water and him brushing his teeth he opened the door. _

"_I'm going in but I don't want to do it alone," he told her. _

"_Okay, let's go," she said. She usually wasn't invited in that room and hated the fact she was now. She was about to enter in a new way, in the way that she could really see their lives together. _

_They walked in and it looked so cold and empty even though everything was exactly where it had been left. When Drake walked to the spot he was at when he was on the phone and his hands started shaking. Megan just stood back and let him process it. He took deep breaths trying not to cry and prevent another panic attack like earlier. He picked up an empty glass and threw it across the room until it hit the wall and shattered. The sound made Megan jump a little but knew he only did it to try to relieve some of the pain. _

"_Drake I know you don't want to and I understand so I will but I am going to let you decide how. Um, who do you want me to call first," She asked._

_He forgot that he had to actually tell people. That would make it so true and not really the bad dream he was hoping it was. _

_Megan started with Helen. Helen said as much as she loved giving him a hard time she really liked Josh and she would call the people that worked at the Premiere. She called Craig who was with Eric. They cried and asked how Drake was doing. At this time he was just laying on the bed staring blankly like he was doing on the way to the hospital. They told her that if Drake needed to talk or needed anything that he could call them. _

"_Anyone else to call tonight?" she asked. Drake knew there was one. One other person out there that deserved a call and he needed to be the one to call. He looked at her and held out his hand for the phone. She handed it to him and he sat up putting the phone in his lap and running his fingers in his hair._

_-------_

_More to come soon. _


	5. Chapter 5

**Disclaimer: If I owned them we would've had another I need you more moment, followed by a that's not possible, sealed with a kiss. I also don't own any songs mentioned. **

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**A/N: This turned out to be longer than I thought and I am sorry. I had no idea how many chapters it would turn out being. And still I hate the sadness, as I really love them together in happy scenarios. Just to let you know, I cried like a baby writing this. If you like to listen to music while you read the ones that I listened to during situations was "The Cranberries : When Your Gone" during Walter's & Drake's speech, "Say Goodnight not Goodbye (you'll know when as it is mentioned), Something to believe in by Poison during the real time cemetery balloon thing and the whole last part was Life Goes On by Poison". I hope you enjoyed (or something like that w/ all the sadness) this fic and I thank you for reading. It was a new adventure for me to go on and it is now completed. Thank you again. Review if you wish. This chapter is over 5500 words long (w/o counting the disclaimer and A/N)**

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_He pushed send on the cell phone after finding the number in the contact list. _

"_Hello" answered a groggy voice. _

"_Mindy?" Drake said trying not to cry. Hoping all of the tears were cried out but soon found out they weren't. He started shaking and biting his fingernails. _

"_Drake? What's going on? Why are you calling?" She asked. _

"_Mindy" he said again. _

"_Drake" her voice starting to sound panicked "Where's Josh?" _

"_He's, uh, he's" He voice started shaking and cracking "Mindy, he's…" _

_Drake turned to Megan "I can't do it Megan. I can't do it. I can't say it. It's not real. It's not real if I can't say it. Take it. Take the phone" he cried. _

_Mindy heard everything Drake was saying knew what happened, not in detail but she knew and dreaded Megan taking the phone and saying it to her. _

"_Okay Drake, I'll do it." Mindy heard Megan tell her brother. _

"_Mindy?" Megan said. _

_Mindy was crying "Megan what's wrong? What happened?" Mindy heard Drake crying uncontrollably while Megan was talking. _

"_He's gone Mindy. Josh his gone" Megan cried. "He was killed tonight in an accident," _

"_God NO!" Mindy said. She heard Drake scream loudly and heard banging. _

"_Drake please stop it.. Drake don't do this. Please calm down. Breathe remember, breathe" Megan was begging Drake. _

"_Breathe? Breathe? I can't breathe. I can't breathe! I'm trying but I can't!" Drake started pulling stuff off the walls and knocking things down. He couldn't take it. He just needed to find something to help and now that was helping. _

_Mindy knew she had never heard him like that. The cocky Drake Parker that she knew was gone. _

_Audrey came in the bedroom "Drake. Drake!" she yelled. He looked up at her and she was shocked to see who looked at her. It was someone she didn't recognize. Someone lost in this world. She was looking into stranger's eyes. _

"_Mindy I have to go for now. Sorry," Megan said and hung up. She ran over to her brother and mother. He seemed to have calmed down again from the breakdown he just had. _

_Audrey wanted to be there for her son. She was prepared to be there for Drake Parker, brother (or step) to Josh Nichols, not Drake Parker who was in a closeted intimate relationship with Josh Nichols. She knew it would be hard for him but she never imagined it this hard, then again, she had been blind about so much more. _

"_Come on, you need to sleep Drake," Audrey said "or at least try". She and Megan walked him toward his bed and he stopped and shook his head._

"_I haven't slept up there in months. I am not doing it now," He said. _

_It became clearer to Audrey about Drake and Josh's newfound relationship. She just nodded. Megan started cleaning up some of the mess Drake made. She knew it was going to pretty much be a sleepless night. She went to her room for a minute and called Mindy back. _

"_Megan thank God" Mindy said without saying hello. _

"_Sorry about that," Megan said. _

"_Don't be. I heard him. I am so sorry. For all of it," Mindy said. _

"_Thanks. Mindy I'm scared. For the first time in a very very long time. I am scared. I am not sure he's going to make it," Megan told her. _

"_I know. He doesn't sound good. I'm online booking a flight now so I will be there soon. I'll call my parents and have them pick me up from the airport. I'll call you when I land but if you need me before then, just call," Mindy said. _

_They said their goodbyes and hung up. Megan grabbed a sleeping bag and pillow from her room. She knew there was no way anyone could take Drake out of that room now that he let himself go in there and she couldn't let him stay by himself. She was too afraid of what he might do. _

_She listened at the door. It was pretty quiet it seemed. She knocked. "Drake?" she said. _

"_Come in," he said barely. _

_She opened the door to find total darkness. She used her cell phone light to make her way over to the bed Drake was in alone tonight for the first time. _

"_I'm going to stay right here in the floor beside you. If you need me I'm here," she told him. She didn't hear a response but knew he heard her. She knew it was going to be a mostly sleepless night and it was. She slept periodically in restless slumber and was awaken by quiet cries from Drake. He cried himself to sleep and then cried in his sleep. She hated seeing her brother like this. She literally watched as his entire happiness was ripped from his heart. She cursed the man who stole both of her brothers. _

_--_

Drake was shaken back to reality as they reached the stone. Audrey carried balloons, one for each of them to write a message on to Josh and let it fly to him. He wiped the tears that fell from his eyes. He was holding up pretty well as far as everyone could see. Inwardly he pictured himself getting very drunk and high, or literally jumping off a bridge. It scared him sometimes the thoughts in his head. His therapist listened to him every week and even upped his antidepressants twice this past year. Drake figured he wasn't meant to feel better. His payback. His karma so he just existed and would continue to until they could be together again. Just existing was different than living and living wouldn't be fair since his life was dead.

He thought of the day of the funeral. The second worst day of his life. The second loneliest day of his life.

--

_The room was pretty enough he guessed, not really caring. "Who are some of these people?" Drake thought. It amazed him so many people came to honor Josh's memory. _

_Audrey and Walter spoke to the person who would be doing part of the ceremony and told him to not refer to Josh and Drake as brothers. Keep in just a generic family and friends. Even though they were shocked the last thing they wanted is for Drake to dwell on the brother thing, especially now and especially since some people may not know and tell him their sorry about his brother . _

_They all worried about Drake, even Mindy. When she saw him and saw how broken he was she talked to Megan. Megan filled her in on the night that it happened and the goodbye he gave Josh and the shock he gave their parents. _

_Even in her grief Mindy was glad. She was glad that Josh finally got to really love the person he loved and Drake loved him back. She worried about him. Now she was worried about Drake. Apparently she was wrong about how capable to love he really was. _

"_Josh was a fine young man, taken way too soon" the man said. Drake tried to listen as much as he could but he couldn't take his eyes off of Josh. Megan squeezed his hand when she felt his breathing increase. He knew he had to stay calm. He hated panic attacks. He was never good with being out of control of his emotions. He remembered the just breathe slowly and all of that and was able to maintain in control at least for now. The man said that he left behind a loving family, wonderful friends, and an abundance of acquaintances. Walter and Audrey were very pleased with his wording. _

_Walter got up to speak next. He made his way up front with red eyes and a shaking hand. _

"_Thank you, to each and everyone of you here today that came. It's nice to see Josh had an impact on so many people," He said and wiped his eyes. He said he would always miss his little boy and was only comforted by the fact that mother and son were reunited. He continued to talk about Josh's life as a baby and child growing up. _

"_His whole life I prayed and hoped all of his dreams would come true. When we first learned of the accident and the Dr. told us he didn't make it all I could think was all of his dreams were gone, lost, all wished for in vain" He cleared his throat and took a sip of water. Everyone watched and listened in tears. "When we went into the room to say goodbye I looked at him and started to ask why he couldn't have had something. One of his dreams, anything come true. Before I could ask the question I got my answer. His dreams came true, he had everything he wanted. He had Drake. Knowing that he had true love in his life and his heart and could experience that," he almost broke down "that's all a father can wish for." _

_Some people were shocked of course but neither Walter nor Drake cared. They were in this together. Megan was relieved, Audrey was touched. They all cried. Nobody knew what Walter was planning on saying, but Walter knew if Drake was brave enough to face everyone with this so was he. His son was happy. Walter's son died in love. This was his way of showing support and acceptance. He only wished he could have listened to Josh talk about their happiness. "I could tell you more about Josh and go on all day, that's just what a proud parent does, but I want to hear some words from the person who knew him best. The person that made sure my son was loved, Drake Parker"._

_They asked Megan and Drake the day before if they wanted to say anything in honor of Josh and they should have known that Drake was the first to chime in. Other than outbursts of anger, grief, cries, and hyperventilating it was practically the only time Drake spoke and of course he wanted to talk. They started to be concerned with what he might say but decided against it. "after all" Walter said "this is about Josh. Who he was and what he meant to us. Drake loved and knew him different than anyone he deserves to do this" Walter thought about his first wife, Josh's mom when he said that, only nobody but himself knew. They were now more worried if Drake would be able to stand there and do this. _

_Drake stood up to make his way to speak and Megan was sitting there ready to pounce at the first signal of help. She didn't know that the aside from the day, the signal she would find would be Drake that night with a razor blade up to his wrist ready to cut. She didn't know that if she hadn't walked in when she did and convince him to not do that, that she wouldn't have any brothers left. She didn't know yet that when she walked in the room later the first thing she would see was drops of blood and think it was already too late but instead just being practice cuts on the other side of his arms._

_He was going to tell her he liked the pain, liked the blood because if he felt and saw enough of it then it would be over. He would say the pain felt like a release, the first one in days. Even a year later she wonders if he did anymore cutting even though he said he didn't, but she didn't know that yet. She didn't know, as she watched her brother prepare to speak that tonight she would be giving the speech about how she only had one brother left and couldn't live with the fact that he left too and what happened if she would do the same thing, how would mom and dad act, she told him and made some reference to the virgin suicides movie, grasping at anything she could to get her brother to put down the blade, and in the end her tears, her cries, her pleas, were successful,_

_Drake would put the blade down and sit in the floor with his hands in his hair, blood from his arms that was touched by his hands would get mixed with the tears, crying yet again, trying to deal the final goodbye to Josh that day. They both would cry and Megan would be there for him again tonight as well as many more, but Megan didn't know that yet. _

"_Thank you Walter," he said with a forced small smile. He was shaking. He wished it was a concert because he could handle those. He couldn't handle this, everyone weeping, sad, and mourning, watching for him to break. He took a deep breath, closed his eyes for just a second, opened them, looked over at Josh and then faced everyone. He cleared his throat._

_He wanted to break, he did, but this was his chance. He thought about all the chances Josh gave him time after time when he screwed up. He thought of all the things Josh selflessly did for him, and how if the situation were reversed he would be doing the same thing. _

"_For those who didn't know Josh very well, that is a tragedy. He is, uh, was" he said wiping a tear "so full of life and energy that people were drawn to. He was amazing" he said smiling. _

"_For those of us who knew him well, we were blessed, we are blessed. Our lives will be better just by having him in our lives no matter what amount of time we had him." The tears started falling a little more freely now. He wiped them. He glanced over at his family, Walter smiling, Audrey sobbing, sad of the loss of her stepson but dying inside for her own, and Megan crying but also nodding to him to show her support. _

"_I never knew love before him, and I won't again. Not like this. It doesn't happen twice and I am fine with that because he is all I needed. We are all we needed," he said not trying to stop the tears anymore. _

"_I don't want to do this. I shouldn't be doing this. This isn't the speech I should be giving. I should be giving the one to him so that he knows we'll always be together, not this. Not goodbye. It shouldn't be goodbye. Not already". Anything he planned to say was thrown away as he spoke entirely from his heart. He steadied his breathing so he could get through this, no matter how hard. He had to. He just had to. _

"_Josh always wanted to surprise people. That was part of his magic, which we all know he loved magic." He smiled. " He loved it because it was a characteristic he possessed, magic. He was magic. So magic that when he looked at me I knew everything was going to be okay. When he smiled at me the world was already gone. There was no one else, just us. He had that magic. The magic of making me feel like I was worth something, that I was worth everything and that I could do __**anything**__, and I never felt that before. He was so magic he melted every problem away like it was an ice cube and when I felt cold he made it feel like summer. The magic of making me fall in love with him initially by just being him and all over again everyday by talking to me with his eyes". _

_He pictured Josh looking at him with his head slightly tilted, smiling with his eyes and mouth. That's all he could picture now. He pictured in his mind Josh walking over to him telling him it is okay and it will all be okay. He envisioned him saying the dream is over and it is time to wake up. He wished this was one of Josh's magic tricks and he would come back to life now and sit up and say "tada" He looked back to see if it was happening but it wasn't. It couldn't. He wouldn't wake up. His magic was stolen. Stolen forever. Drake's only satisfaction was knowing that the man who stole his world died that night too. _

_The people were watching Drake, as he was silent looking back at Josh and running his fingers through his hair. He was breathing a little erratic and couldn't stop it this time. He couldn't hold back anything. He wanted to be strong for today but he couldn't anymore. His strength was lying dead in a casket. _

_He tried to look at the people but his vision was blurred by his tears, his voice was being taken by his emotion, "I'm sorry," he said. "I'm sorry," he sighed, he breathed. _

"_I'm sorry. I can't do this. I just can't do this anymore. I'm sorry." He took another breath._

_I'm sorry Walter, I'm sorry Mom, I'm sorry Megan, I'm sorry… Josh. I'm just so sorry. I can't do it anymore. I can't do it," he cried. He was frozen. He couldn't move. He wanted to run away. He just wanted to run somewhere, anywhere, but he couldn't. He couldn't do anything. He broke. He finally broke despite how he wanted to do this. _

_Megan knew that was her sign and she stood up to get him and was surprised when Audrey and Walter came too. Walter walked over there and hugged him. "It's okay son. It's okay to cry. It's okay" he told him and let him cry on his shoulder. _

_At this time most people were crying just as hard as the four of them. They tried to shield Drake to give him some privacy by Walter walking on his left with his arm around him and Audrey and Megan on his right. They all walked back silent except for Drake's quiet "I'm sorry and I can't do this. I don't wanna do this". _

_They sat and cried and held each other. At that time the funeral director nodded and "Say Goodnight Not Goodbye" started playing, then allowed the rest of the people there to pay their last respects one row at a time. This was a time that everyone would usually hug and shake the hands of the family but everyone left them alone. _

_They could feel the sadness and grief with them all and the complete different Drake than they were used to seeing. The four of them held on to each other while the music played and everyone else waited outside for them to see their Josh one last time. _

_The funeral director shut the doors so they could have a few moments alone. The song started over. They all dreaded to go up there but they dreaded for Drake to go up there the most. He was taking it the hardest. _

_They all held hands and walked slowly up to the casket. They were drawing strength from each other. None of them at this point had any on their own. Audrey stood by Walter, who stood by Drake, who stood by Megan. The four of them looking at they thought at that moment was the best member of their family, the most selfless, the most giving, the most caring. _

_They all reached out and touched him, even though they knew he wasn't there, they just had to touch him one last time. They had to keep wiping the tears just to see him and their tears stained the shirt Josh was wearing. This was a part of them that he would have to take with him, so they would all still be together somehow. _

_Megan grabbed Drake's hand. She couldn't stand it. She hated the dead man that killed her brother. She hated him now. She hated that she had to be the bigger sibling now because Drake couldn't be anymore. She hated him. She hated him for turning her brother into someone she didn't recognize. "Just breathe Drake" she whispered "just keep breathing". She felt like if she didn't remind him to breathe he would stop, and knew he was hoping he could. _

_After a few minutes Walter looked at Drake. We are going to give you a moment alone with him. He and Audrey may not have understood what had been going on the past few months but right now he was being Josh's dad and wanted the person that loved him most to have the last word like he did with his wife all those years ago. They walked back to their chairs to give him a moment alone._

_Drake touched Josh's lifeless cold arm. He was already crying but cried even more knowing this was it. Totally it. The last time for the rest of his life he would ever see him except in pictures. _

_He looked at him. Gently stroked his face. He took one the rings out of the pocket he had them in all day and took Josh's hand. He placed it on the ring finger of Josh's left hand and then took the other one out and put it on his own finger. "Yours forever" he quoted the ring. He put Josh's hand back in its previous position. "Yours forever" he whispered again and kissed Josh on the forehead. He grabbed Josh's arm again. "I'll never let go, you know," he said knowing any other time he sounded like something from the Titanic he would smack himself in the head but he didn't care. He knew what that meant now. "I can't let you go. I can't let you go" he said. "I can't let you go" he said louder and sobbing hard. _

_Walter, Audrey, and Megan watched everything that had taken place and grasped each others hands when Drake put the rings on the both of them. When they heard him say "I can't let you go" the third time they knew he really couldn't let go. They knew someone would literally have to pry his fingers off of him. _

_They walked up there and Megan hugged his shoulder. "I can't let you go" he whispered over and over substituting with "I can't let go". Audrey put her fingers in between Drake's hand and Josh's arm until she could reach Drake's fingers literally prying them one by one away from Josh and into her hand. She lifted his hand up and held it tight. They all looked one last time all saying in their minds "goodbye" but none of them could say it out loud. They slowly made their way out of the room. _

_--_

The four of them had their balloons and markers and was writing their messages to send to Josh. When they were all finished they stood there and had a moment of silence, which they all took time to pray. Audrey prayed that this year would be a year of healing and not just grieving. Walter prayed that what he had planned to do would work to help Drake start the healing process. Megan prayed Drake would start fighting to live again instead of hoping to die all the time, and Drake… Drake prayed that still one day soon he would see Josh again instead of just in his dreams. He prayed that he could find a new outlet for the pain, he prayed to stop hurting all the time, he prayed he wouldn't feel so guilty for wanting strength.

Since Josh was his strength and was gone now Drake had none left and he felt that if he had some that he was somehow replacing Josh or getting over him and he didn't want that… he did want to try to stand on his own without someone else holding his hand, so he prayed for the guilt to be gone for wanting that.

They all sighed and released their balloons. Drake didn't know what anyone else said on theirs, and nobody really asked each other because it was their personal message, but Drake knew what was on his. It was two rings intertwined with an inscription that said "yours forever", after all, that is all that needed to be said.

When they got home Audrey and Megan got out of the car. Drake started to get out too.

"Drake could you get up front and ride with me somewhere please," Walter said.

Audrey knew he wanted to talk to him today but didn't know what he was going to say and didn't care as long as it helped. She had planned to make a nice dinner and have a memorial night. Her family had become so distant this year and she wanted to amend for that. She wanted to start making it right. She knew they all needed some change and to find a new normal.

Drake nodded to Walter and got in the front seat. They drove. Walter didn't say anything. Drake didn't say anything. They just drove for a while. Drake had no idea where they were going or why.

They were at a cemetery. "Why is he taking me to a cemetery?" Drake thought. He got out the car and followed Walter.

It was where Josh's mom was buried. She was buried next to her infant brother that was stillborn. Walter introduced him to her and then her to him.

"I'm sure Josh has told you all about him but I wanted you to see for yourself what a nice young man he is and tell you that he loves our son very much and misses him everyday," Walter told his wife. "I'm sure Josh had told you what a wonderful talented musician he is. I hope he plays again, he's too good not to. Maybe he will write a song that can help people that are grieving themselves you know".

Drake just listened to every word. He didn't want to speak. Didn't want to interrupt them, and couldn't speak anyway. He was amazed at how much Walter is showing him, the walls that he is breaking down, the vulnerability he had no idea Walter even had but he did have it and is now letting Drake see it. Walter talked a few more minutes. "We won't keep you any longer as I know you and Josh are making up for lost time. Take care of our boy and tell our boy I'll try to take care of his. Goodbye sweet girl. I love you," He said and then kissed his fingers and placed them where her name was written.

Drake was shocked. He didn't cry. He was too shocked. He probably would've been jealous if things were different hearing Walter say I love you to someone that isn't his mother and calling her sweet girl but he wasn't. He understood, and not just understood, he admired it.

They walked over to what almost looked like an outdoor chapel. It had benches, a podium for speakers up front, and statues of angels in different places.

They walked over to one of the benches and Walter and Drake sat down. Walter turned to face Drake. "I want you to see something," He told him and pulled two boxes from his pocket. He opened one of them revealing a wedding band on a chain. He held it up "I put my band on this chain when I was finally able to take it off. He opened the other, which had just a chain in it. "This chain is for you for whenever you take yours off."

Drake looked at him with tears in his eyes. Walters's eyes were misty too and his voice was shaky.

"Walter, I, uh" Drake tried to say.

Walter took Drake's hand. "Almost five years and about a thousand tries" Walter said.

Drake looked at him.

"That's how long it took me before I could actually take it and keep it off" He clarified. Walter released Drake's hand and grabbed the band on the chain as if remembering, "It was hard. It's going to be hard" he said. Drake grabbed his own left hand and rubbed his band with his fingers with his left hand closed as if he was making sure it wasn't coming off.

Drake still didn't want to speak and Walter wasn't finished anyway. "You aren't ready now and _you_ probably won't be for a long time and that's okay. Whether it is five days, months, years, or even fifteen years it's okay. If you never can that's okay but you _are_young Drake, even younger than I was so when or if you are ready to take it off, it's okay. You have a chain to put it on that way you can keep it close to your heart. It's like a transition.".

Drake found his voice, barely, but it was there "Thank you," he said through the tears.

"You're welcome son," Walter said. "Drake, you know we've kind of just done our own thing this past year and I'm sure you felt alone in more ways than one. I know we didn't talk to you about your relationship and probably made you think we didn't want to know about it, but please don't think that. You may be my stepson but you are also more and I want to know about that person. The person that made my son so happy. I want you to talk about him. I miss him too you know. He's my only biological child, and I've lost both him and his mother, so it is hard on me too."

"I'm sorry," Drake said sincerely.

"When I lost his mother I had him to remind me of her. Now that he's gone he left me you to remind me of _him._ Youcan feel free to talk about him and you and him. It's all I have left. You can keep calling me Walter if you want to and I understand why you do, but Drake I am connected to you by your mother not by blood first of all and second I am connected to you through Josh so you can call me dad. It should not make you ashamed of yours and Josh's relationship." he said.

"Okay, thanks," Drake said, and maybe in time but right now he had to take things one-step at a time.

"You two always seemed to have a bond and now I know that it ran deeper than anyone could have imagined, that is special, I am happy that my son and my stepson both found happiness and love. Don't be ashamed of that. Don't let anyone make you feel ashamed of that. I am sorry if we ever did," Walter said. Walter hugged Drake.

They went home and when they went in Audrey had a dinner ready. She saw Walter and Drake smile genuinely at each other. Her heart skipped a beat. Her son smiled. Drake went over and hugged Audrey "I love you mom," he said for the first time in a year.  
"I love you too," she told him back. "Hey Megs" he said and rustled the top of her hair

"Decide to come back did ya?" she asked with a smile. "I'm trying. Really trying".

"I told Drake we would too. He should be able to talk about Josh all he wants. Everybody should get to talk about the people they are in love with" Walter said.

Megan was happy. Although she didn't know word for word what everyone prayed for at the cemetery, she figured it had something to do with this. All they could do now was just try.

Audrey knew there was still a long way to go but she could finally see her son in there somewhere and she knew Walter had a hand in it. As much as she wanted to know what happened she would never ask, she would just be grateful it was bringing her son back to her.

Drake had the chain around his neck. It didn't have anything on it, just a chain. He was wearing it to become a part of him so if the time came for him to take the ring off it was still part of something connected to him. Maybe it would happen sooner, maybe later, maybe not at all. And even if it never happened, he still had the meaning of the day to make it special.

"So Drake?" asked Walter as they were sitting down to eat "you never told us, when and how did you two get together"?

"Yeah but um, spare some details please," Megan said

Drake blushed, rolled his eyes, and shook his head and smiled a little, then told them about the night of graduation, leaving out some details per Megan's request and his embarrassment.

Audrey cried at the cuteness of it. Walter smiled just knowing they were really in love, and Megan smiled.

When Drake went to bed that night he would try to concentrate on that night instead of the one this anniversary held.

His world was still gone, his life still torn apart, and his love gone without warning, but he would try to get better, if for no other reason than to tell more Josh stories.

When he finally settled in bed that night he hugged Josh's pillow, kissed it, and told him he loved him, the same as he did every other night.

Megan still heard the tears, I mean this was the night and all but for the first time in a year even she was able to rest a little better and without thinking she was going to find her brother dead the next day.

-- Finished--


End file.
